Decisions, loopholes, and misgivings

We have both decided that Indiana University is where we are going to be flinging ourselves to. Mostly. The offer of a full ride plus living stipend from Carnegie Mellon was probably the hardest reward I have ever had to look at... and defer. Yes. Sadly, that is the only loophole we have if things go horribly wrong. I will not be able to start classes at IU this fall, but if Tim has some sort of awful experiences in the computer/bio sciences, well... if by January we know for certain that we should not be at IU, then... we can arrange another crosscountry move.

IU was supposed to be our first choice. But the more contact I had with the department at University of Oregon, the more I liked them. I had to plan out a tentative course of study and contact professors, all of whom I exchanged multiple emails with, and who were all very helpful and laid-back. Plus they have a later start date--which is good for people expecting to be recovering from childbirth most of September. But Tim didn't make it into their computer science department--nobody was interested in studying what he wanted to study. (A bonus, I suppose, that you can have something more specific to say to potential programs. But not this time.) I suppose my extensive contact with Oregon made it easy to envision myself there, eager to meet professors in person who I had only had email contact with. Writing the letter to them telling them I couldn't come was difficult. I didn't expect to have tears rolling down my cheeks as I hit "send."

People at IU have been helpful. I have gotten some responses from professors to my questions. But on the whole (and maybe this can be entirely accounted for by the sheer size of the department), my overall impression of IU at the moment, no matter how good their program, is that it is snobbish, in the horrible way that certain humanities believe they can be. This leaves me with deep, deep misgivings that I will not fit into the program. I sincerely hope this is not the case.

Maybe decision making is always hard, having to cut yourself off from potential paths. I don't know. I do know that excitement and disappointment are present in equal measure.