A muddle at midmorning

The blog is interesting, in that it is rather like the tip of an iceberg, occasionally manifesting those things that we think about, giving hints about the life we lead, or highlighting bursts of inspiration or frustration that we deem necessary to share, or have time to write about.

It also seems relevant that because of the broadness of the audience, we try to keep the personal ranting down—this isn’t a diary, after all, and despite plenty of times when it would be appropriate to mention conflicts with or concerns about people as they do affect our lives, it seems inappropriate to air all that in a more or less public forum. But for those who read this blog as a key into what we are up to, is that dishonest? A way of creating a perfectly edited world where nothing might be too difficult for a reader to handle? Or in the end, is that just malicious gossip?

Lately, Security Husband and I have been exposed to more televised American news (and tv in general) than we have in the past four years combined. More than anything, it has served to dishearten us. By the end of most days, I am weary, angry, and saddened from the sheer folly of politics, the stubborn abuse of selfishness, the self-righteous soapboxing of ignorance. I was eager in previous months to return, to work for change somehow, however I could. That desire hasn’t changed—the challenge is to make it spring from hope and not anger. I am freed from the constraint of distance, I can dare to take risks that may backfire, offend, or alienate. I can make those risks personal, even when worry almost cripples me to make them. Because I have to try, and deal with the consequences as they come, without fear.

We are both bracing ourselves for adaptation, constant adaptation, in the upcoming days, weeks, months, even years. There are changes we expect, and I know there are things I want to focus on, things I want to do… and to do them, there are activities I shall have to pare back, or withdraw from entirely--things which have become habitual, unproductive, and only rarely enjoyable as recreation.

But aside from all that… We are eager to be on our own again, to resume life as we know it, with our own schedule and lifestyle. Living with my parents the last two months has been nice in many ways. Connecting with family (and extended family) again has been good, educational, interesting, and depressing in turns. The notions of obligation and familial ties rather put me in mind of this huge, medievalesque clan-village of people, as I struggle to remember the names of his cousins, and which aunt belongs to which grandparents, and who lives where, and which cousins are part of which family… and knowing that we are all weirdly connected through this web that runs not along lines of personal attachment or common interest, but something more strange, that can ignore such things entirely and be unchanged. Lot of holes in this analogy: family as such is not something I have devoted much thought to, but have been frequently lately.